The 5 Day Cleanse

Hello Cheezheads

It’s a been a while. No excuses, I’ve been lazy. But we’re back, and I’m going to try to post more regularly. Let’s see how I do. Updates:

  • New job: GREAT!
  • Exercise: Still on track
  • Eating: Ugh….We all know I have the appetite of a 300 lb linebacker. And this is why I did….

The 5-day cleanse.

I’ll start of by saying, in general, I really don’t like the idea of a cleanse. Guess what, your body does this already. In fact, it’s really good at it. Plus, your body can only absorb so many nutrients at once; you end up disposing of all the extra. So if you drink a giant glass of pulverized kale, which I don’t recommend, you’ll only get a tiny amount of nutrients from it. You’re better off eating kale as you could never eat as much in raw form as pulverized, you’d absorb all the nutrients, and you’d feel full. And that is the first and last time I will ever say that you’re better off eating kale. Because you never are. Ever. You only live once, and you shouldn’t waste one second of that time on kale.  Yes, I know I posted about kale. And I was embarrassed at the time. Here’s an article on why you really shouldn’t do a cleanse.

All that being said, I’ve had some major fork-itis over the holidays. That is, if the holidays started in May. So I needed to do something dramatic to break the eating habit, because I wasn’t being successful with sheer willpower. Plus, the only thing more disgusting than what we eat all day on the holidays is the shameful cookie binge afterwards. While we stand for the all day feeding frenzy, by cookie time we’re all sitting and stuffing our faces. So I started a 5-day cleanse on Sunday. I went with cleanse one from Pressed Juicery. One of the extra fun things about the cleanse is you’re supposed to also eliminate caffeine. As Little Miss Sunshine said, “I bet you were a ray of sunshine.” And was I ever. No solids or caffeine. Oy vey.

I picked this cleanse because I’m new to torturing myself, I mean, cleansing, and it is their highest calorie cleanse. Turns out you get about 1500 calories a day, which is actually a little more than I normally (try) to eat, so I wasn’t in any danger of passing out from exhaustion on my walk to the train or anything like that. I’ll walk you through the whole thing.


I wake up to my very first box of juices. You get 6 juices, plus 2 cleanse waters. They’re all nicely labeled for you so you know the order in which to drink them.

The cooler of goodies
The juice extravaganza

The editor-in-chief was up puking half the night (no more hot dogs!), so I was already in a fog. No food or caffeine (or booze) to boot, this does not bode well. But actually I did ok. I had a pretty big pre-cleanse feast (which they do not recommend, but whatever), so I wasn’t super hungry. I was already in a daze, so I didn’t notice the no caffeine thing too much.


Gotta go to work, and lug 4 of my juices and 1 water with me. I did not get enough sleep the night before, so everyone in my path was in a bit of danger. It was a little rough riding the train without my tea, but my awesome new noise-canceling headphones allowed me to sleep most of the way (as an aside, these headphones have improved my life 50%). Sleeping a lot is a key to cleanse success. If you’re not awake, you’re not hungry. After the train, I strapped my juices into the little basket section on the Bike Share bike, and was off to the races. It was not raining during my ride, but it was cold. I did not start my drinks until I got to work, putting my first juice around 9:30, give or take. I lasted pretty well, and was even able to save juice 4 for the train.  I was definitely hungry throughout the day, and every trip to the fully stocked kitchen to grab some water or a juice was torture. It’s pretty much a continuous food frenzy at work.

Tuesday (AKA, day 3)

Day 3 was by far the worst. While I wasn’t STARVING, I wasn’t necessarily not hungry at any point. Being around other “humans” on the train was absolute agony. No caffeine. No food. I staved off the caffeine headache with a few doses of ibuprofen just to get ahead of it. It did the trick. Things were a little better at work, and even sunnier with my first juice. Trips to the kitchen were torture. So many food smells. But I stayed strong and hid in our office as much as I possibly could. The best part about day 3 is knowing you’re past the 50 yard line. Just stay strong.


The world is not such a dark a place, as I see light at the end of the tunnel. Was not terribly hungry when I woke up and I was able to workout. My workout felt a little harder than normal, but I didn’t feel weak or like I couldn’t finish. My body was getting enough calories, just not very filling ones. Not having to leave the house was a huge bonus. No people, no food smells. There is very little temptation in the house, so I was set for a good day. I was really not all that hungry throughout the day (but ready for my juices when it was time). The editor-in-chief and I left the house for our walk because the sun was shining. 10 minutes later I was putting on her rain coat. But that did not bring us down. I only had one more day to go. I got through the day pretty well, felt functional, and was actually feeling full after my final juice.

I hate my stupid raincoat


Oh here we are!!! I can totally survive one more day, no problem. I was actually feeling good and was totally used to the lack of food. I was able to cope with being a little hungry. Still missing the caffeine, but doing OK without it. I had a good workout and did great all day; I was not even necessarily hungry at juice time. Then came the trip to the grocery store. I had to get just a few things, and let me tell you, I did not waste any time getting out of there. All that food and all those food smells, it was torture! Luckily I still had two juices left. I scurried out of there and went home and chugged a juice. I’m glad I was not at work for days 4 and 5.


Oh glorious Friday. Hello caffeine. Hello solids. How I’ve missed you! They suggest eating all these fruits and vegetables to ease out of your cleanse. OH HELL NO. HELL NO. I had a glorious time of eating solids, and it felt so good to feel full. Seriously, having a full belly is awesome!

I SURVIVED! (and so did everyone in my path!)

In summary

Am I glad I did it? Yes. Will I do it again any time soon? No. While I had a bit of a feast today, I definitely was feeling full faster than normal and was not hungry as quickly in between meals. I think I have a good start to cutting back on the food intake. Cuz you have to check that shit before it gets out of hand. Overall I liked this particular cleanse because it had a decent amount of calories, which made it bearable. I’m glad I went the 5 days, as day 3 was the worst and I think I might have relapsed had I had solids after that torture. They recommend drinking your juices every 2 hours. I went about 3 after my morning juice, as that one was pretty filling and I think that helped keep me on pace for the rest of the day. I did not like all the sugar in the juices. Well, I liked it, but I was hoping for less sugar. It’s all naturally occurring, so there’s that. But anything ending in -ose is all the same to your body.

Here’s a round up on the juices.

Juice 1- Vanilla almond

This one is awesome. It’s about 420 calories and probably my favorite of all the juices. Nice and thick and filling. Refreshing way to start your day. You’re good for at least 3 hours here. Stretch this one out as long as you can. The filling factor goes way down from here. I’d take about 20 minutes to drink this and wait as long as possible for my next juice.

Chlorophyll water

They say to sip this through the day, but honesty I just took it down after Juice 1. Some days it was taste free and harmless. Other days it tasted fishy. Those were bad days.

Juice 2-  Greens 2

Despite containing kale, it’s actually pretty good. Main ingredient is apple juice, so it’s pretty sweet. 140 calories. This one won’t tide you over for long. You’ll be ready for your next juice in 2 hours or less.

Juice 3- Roots 2

Taste like carrots. It’s good and seems to be a little heartier than juice 2. 160 calories.

Juice 4 – Citrus 2

This was my favorite non-thick juice. Tasted like (and is mostly) pineapple juice. This was a great juice to drink on the train home, before my nap. 240 calories.

Juice 5 – Greens 3

Just like Greens 2 but with a little ginger to spice things up. Yes, this is what you think of as excitement while on your cleanse. 140 calories

Juice 6 – Chocolate Almond

Like bookends to your day, you’re treated to another nice, thick shake. This is just as good as the morning one and is a nice filling end to your day. It’s a reward for a job well done. I savored this one as well. 420 calories.

Aloe vera water

This is your night cap, as it were. It’s tasteless and harmless. I was actually feeling pretty full of liquid after my last juice, but I powered it down every night.

So there it is. It’s not for the faint of heart. I think it was easier for me because I don’t necessarily consume a ton of calories on weekdays (well, in theory), and I’m already a vegetarian so I wasn’t missing meat or anything like that. If you eat meat, I imagine you’d be pretty much starving throughout.

Oh and they “let” (insist) you keep the ice packs and cooler bags. I have no need for this many ice packs, and a bunch of them exploded and leaked gel everywhere. Here’s the end of the week stack I had to throw away because they were making a huge mess.

The ice pack pile


May your 2016 be filled with delicious bread and cheez. I’ll see you soon.



2 thoughts on “The 5 Day Cleanse”

  1. Hmm. Liquid cleanse does not sound like my cup of tea – I say as I eat my homemade monkey bread and drink my coffee. Hooray for you for meeting the challenge.

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